fatal flaws

my family and friends sometimes tell me that i need therapy. frankly, i disagree.

what do therapists do? they help you isolate your problems, your fatal flaws, and, if they're pro-active types, they give tips on how to fix it all.

but i know my flaws. i can therapize myself, thankyouverymuch.

for one, i have a very adictive personality. really. i once spent an entire weekend not sleeping, eating, and very rare trips to the bathroom, beating "super mario bros." the original, cheesy version with too many contradictions, and too few pixels. i saved princess peach, and, after a big ole' sandwich, slept for almost an entire day. haven't played video game since then. especially not the good ones. one that i've really been dying to play, but dare not until i have an entire summer to myself (and enough money to buy an x-box, or whichever console it uses), is "fallout." i'm a tad obsessed with the post-apocolyptic themes.

obsessions. that's another one. i'm obsessed with so many different things, that i often don't know which one to be obsessed with first. sounds odd, i know, but i'm just one big paradox.

speaking of paradoxies, the one flaw that cancels out the previous two is my huge fear of commitment. to a subject or situation, anyway.

when it comes to relationships (rather, friendships, as my romantic relationships are nill), it's not so much a fear of commitment, as a lack of confidence and resolve when they first pull away. i suppose, when they start showing any signs of independance from me and my partnership, i cease any and all fight to make them stay. i've had it in my head since i was a tiny kid that, as soon as i became a grown-up, i wouldn't keep relatons with any of my childhood friends, because, after a bunch of interviews with the grown-ups i knew, i found that none of them ever did. so if i lost a friendship as a kid, it wouldn't matter as much as an adult. i've fixed that a little on my own, thought the situation and timing suck. i had to wait until the year i left childhood behind forever to finally find a friend i want to keep, despite any pulling back he might exhibit. anyway, i digress. that's a rant in itself, and i prefer not to get into it.

i also have multipul neuroses.

one concerns my stuff and who has the ability to touch it. i was raised an only child, so this is not an inferiority or a superiority complex (though, i'm sure i have both of those in their turn). this is more a control deal. if someone else controls my stuff, then i lose control myself, not to mention the ammount of time i get to spend with it all -- not that i do, individually. too much of a pack-rat for that. also a bit of a dragon, which aids in the "neurosis" part -- a dragon has a load of stuff in his den, none of which he gives a second look, but should anyone come in and steal so much as a ruby, not only does he immediately know, but he's out for blood. yes. i have a "dragon complex". there you go.

another concerns money. when i was born, and growing up, it was inadvertantly pounded into my brain that money was to be saved, not spent. i was the child of a single parent, living in the projects that felt like the taj majal compared to the homeless shelter i was born in. now, having maried up in society (very middle-middle class, baby), i'm capable of having money and spending it, too. but, after that ideal embedded itself on my brain, it took a lot of programing to find the right balance between spending just to spend, and skimping on myself (again, a rant for another time).

another, slightly more obvious to thoes who know me best, concerns jellousey. i'm not a very jellous person by nature, but under certian circumstances, like having to share people i like, or when someone surpasses my talents (perfectionist, as well). i'm still not sure how to deal with this, as i wasn't really aware of it until a couple months ago, and it still floors me.

the last one, probably least obvious, is my mental refusal to show weaknesses. i'm already fat with athesma, and glasses, and an uber-klutz, i don't need people taking pity on me for anything else. not even when i get sick, like a little flu bug. no one knew about it until it had already passed, and by then i'd already gone out in public to continue my life. only my parents found out. everyone else just thought i was having a pissy week. (i must be a better actress than the drama club director thought, if i can puke twice in three hours, if i can still stomach the school lunch and hold my head up to learn about logorithms.)

and, i guess, my biggest fatal flaw is that i'm so flipperin' self-obsorbed (as any loyal reader has, no doubt, already learned). after all, what have i ever written about, but the wonderful subject of "me"? i try to think of other stuff to write about, to talk about, but none of it seems interesting enough (so modest, too!). even the stories i write are narrorated in first person! my lead characters are all just as self-obsorbed as i am, if not more!

stories. i'm not sure that counts as a "fatal flaw," but i know i can't resist them. i've noticed in any and all stories, no matter how many flaws a character has, if they are gifted with the right plot by the writer, they can still find love and admiration. consider Captain Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Carribbean. and Max, the head bird-kid from the maximum ride series makes my level of jellousy and failure to show weakness look tame. and if you look at Erik from The Phantom of the Opera, he has his own "Phan-club"! (of which i am a member. what can i say? i related to his character...)

i suppose, i will never have to go to therapy, just as long as i can get the right story plot formed around me, and get it all recorded for the world to enjoy. hopefully, it'll eventually include a post-apocolyptic wasteland... those are my favorite story themes...

anyway, i hope you enjoyed my flaws. hopefully, my knowing what they are will rescue me from falling into a deep state of throrough madness.