WANTED: the "perfect" man

Nearly a full month has passed since Valentine's day. The relationship fallout has, for the most part, subsided. Now, before Prom Wars begins, as they inevitably must, i have found this time of quiet before the storm to speak my mind.

quickly.

in my daily eavesdropping on random conversation, i have found "the perfect man" to be a popular topic of discussion between girls (when their boyfriends are not presant, of course). But i have to laugh. Their ideas of the so-called perfect man are both unrealistic and unreasonable -- not to mention unfair to the male race!

generalized, they want a man who is handsome, has a good sense of humor, who is romantic, can dance, sing, who listens and talks to them, and would never, ever look at another girl. So, to quote KinkyBoots, a very good brit movie, "what they want is a man who is essentially a woman!"

but, i must admit, it got me thinking: what would i consider to be the traits of the perfect man?

well, to start, i certainly wouldn't want him to be "perfect." how awful, and totally screwed up would that be, to be with a man who is contantly right and proper and desireable, my every little flaw would me amplified tenfold, and i may quickly grow to hate him. no, i want a guy with nearly as many little odd quirks as i have.

there are some things that would have to be avoided at all cost, of course. obviously, a true jerk-wad would not even make it to level one in my virtual reality of love. a person with no self-respect wouldn't be able to respect me as a person, or anyone else for that matter! and nose-pickers? don't even bother.

some like them handome, or cute, or drop-dead gorgeous, or whatever. but i tend to measure appearances slightly different than other girls. note my first childhood tv crushes: Lurch from the "Addams Family," Commander Spock of "Star Trek," Nosferatu from the film of the same name (but only from a distance), and the most normal-ish one of the bunch, Harry from "3rd Rock From the Sun." So, i guess my type is spelled out right here.

now back to the list... the guy can't just have a "good" sense of humor -- that annoying little man down the street that does made-you-look jokes at inappropriate times and just doesn't know when to stop can be considered to have a "good" sense of humor -- i want a man with a great sense of humor, to compliment my own. see, my personality is very sarcastic, and, to a normal person, borders on the rude. this guy has to take any half-baked insult i can shovel out, and be able to fling them right back at me, with deadly accuracy. then we'll laugh at our shared "meanness."

now, on the topic of romance. some define romance as "a constant showing of love and devotion via activities, deeds, and tokens of affection." well, for me, just the fact that they're sticking around of their own free will, and happily doing so, is a fiar start for me. i've also heard it defined as "someone who loves me despite my flaws." okay, screw that! i'm sorry, but to love someone despite something that will always be a part of them isn't really love, now, is it? those flaws, those silly little quirks, should make it easier, more fun, to love me, not harder. I snort when i laugh. really loud. the dude's gotta love that laugh, 'cause with that sense of humor he's gonna be hearing it a lot.

also, just slipping this in here, i want to be able to fight with my man. not living in perpetual tight-faced politeness, trying to avoid all conflict, and so never getting to really know each other. i want to be able to argue and scream and shout, and in the midst of it all, ask if he wants cream in his coffee, or where i want to eat out next weekend, then resume our conflict. i want to be able to fight with him, and know that i still love him, and will to the end, despite how much i want to hate his guts at the moment.

the singing and dancing thing, i can take it or leave it. i mean, a singing voice is always nice, something i admire, but as i can't dance without inevitably injuring someone (not always myself, usually the person behind and slightly to the left of me), i don't see how it can be something beautiful we can share, becuase that's the only reason girls want their man to dance. not 'cause they want to date a russian ballerina-man, but so they can fly about the dance floor together, having fun and showing off their happiness to others, like me, who can't dance worth a darn. however, if he is as bad as i am, bring it on! we'll have fun stepping on each other's feet, then take turns massaging them back to life at the end of the night.

and the whole communication thing i have found to be a learned behavior. really. girls, have you ever met a straight guy that actually cared how jacked up who was over the weekend, and who dumped and is dating who, unless it ends in lesbien kisses or mud wrestelling? thing is, no guy really cares (and if he looks like he does, he either cares enough about you to pretend -- hold onto him! -- or he's tuning you out and undressing you with his eyes). my plan is to meet him halfway. just give highlights on stuff that matters (not much of a gossip girl myself, so this will be easy to do), then throw in a few embellishments, making it a game of "pick out the lie," and if he guesses right, he wins a cheeseburger. like a puppy!

and as for the guys that never look at another girl -- not only completely tiring, with all that constant attention, but totally fabulous with a capital fabio (lisp the "s" in "fabulous"). as long as he doesn't act on any of his fantasies, except for with me, 'cause he knows i'll kick his ass if he does, we're good.

it also wouldn't hurt if he were a little geeky or nerdy, as thoes types have brains enough for an intelligent conversation (mostly discussing things like temporal mechanics, crackpot inventions, what would happen in result of a MARVLE / DC comic crossover showdown, and the vast superiority of werewolves to vampires, or any other monsters -- sorry Team Edward).

but my top priority is that, amazing as this beautiful find, marvellous catch that he would be, he has to actually, you know, like me. be cool with my craziness, and withstand any rant i may spontaneously leap into. like this one. now that would be true love.

so, this said, i shall now crawl into my hole to wait out the battle that is sure to ensue as prom draws near. and so i leave you with this: the less perfect my perfect man is, the more perfect he will be for me.